Whodunit? A Terrorist Satire From 2019.

Two days ago, an Islamic radical pledging loyalty to ISIS shot up a gay bar in Orlando.

Despite the shooter’s own claims, talking heads in the media and politics find the motive unclear. In his official address on the topic, President Obama did not mention Islam, or even the term “radical”.

In this vein, I have seen the future. Behold, a news article from the year 2019….


June 14th, 2019.

As the third year of President Hillary Clinton’s term carries on, the nation is at grips with a bloody wave of violence sweeping across the country, baffling Law Enforcement and defying all criminal analysis.

The nation was rocked last week by the actions of 30-year old Mohammed Farouk when he stormed a daycare in Cleveland, opening fire and killing 2 nannies alongside 7 children. A month prior to that, a tourist bus in New York was firebombed by Faisal ibn Saeed, a 23-year old chemistry student from the local university. Another few weeks before that, 3 men – Muhammad Al Jilani, Rasheed Abdeslam, and Abu Bakr bin Mohammed – opened fire at an Air Supply concert in Philadelphia; dozens were killed, many more wounded. These are only a few of the many attacks to take place within the past year throughout North America, Europe, and Australia.

“It’s senseless, just completely senseless,” said FBI criminal investigator Sylvester McGee. “It’s not that we can’t connect the dots, it’s that there are no dots to connect! There’s no discernible motive, no rhyme or reason to any of this. We know these attacks must be connected, but how?”

There was only one thing all events had in common: the shouting of the strange phrase “Allahu Akbar”. The alleged criminals in each case had been reported to yell the curious phrase “Allahu Akbar!” before, during, or after their attacks, leaving authorities scrambling to decipher the meaning of the mysterious words.

Rosie O’Donnell, White House Press Secretary and celebrity personality, expressed the Clinton Administration’s bewilderment in a press conference with right-thinking journalists from MSNBC, ABC, CNBC, and Slate. “We’re trying to piece together the puzzle,” O’Donnell explained. “Beyond the strange shouted phrase, there is only one other consistency – the use of guns. Most of the attackers wield guns as their weapon of choice, leading us to suspect they may be members of the NRA. We’re vigorously investigating any possible links between the two.”

Gloria Steinem, US Attorney General, shared her thoughts regarding “Allahu Akbar” later on in the same conference: “The word AKBAR may be a combination of the abbreviations ‘AK-47’ and ‘BAR’, which I’m told stands for Browning Automatic Rifle. This clearly suggests the motivation of white nationalists and KKK members, well known for their sick obsession with firearms.”

When it was pointed out that the attackers were all of Middle Eastern descent, Steinem  affirmed that it appeared the mindset of racist white supremacy must be spreading even to people of color, representing a new front in the struggle against hate. “Criminal profiling indicates they may have been Trump voters in 2016,” Steinem postulated, speculating that the attacks might be revenge for Trump’s election loss three years ago to the first female president. “Men are stupid that way,” she added.

However, what’s not clear is why attackers who aren’t even using firearms still shout “Allahu Akbar”, such as in the case of 39-year old Omar Hussein Mohammed when he used a machete to hack 3 elderly retirees to death outside of a Chicago VA hospital. Despite the lack of a gun in this case, the attacker still shouted the phrase referring to Browning Automatic Rifles, bolstering the theory that the NRA is somehow involved.

President Clinton lamented the situation in a televised address delivered yesterday afternoon: “What do most of these attacks have in common? Guns. Did you know that every time someone is shot, a gun is involved? Shameful. That’s 100% of the time! How can anyone oppose common sense gun control with a statistic like that?”

President Clinton acknowledged that not all of the attackers used firearms. “The Justice Department has informed me that at least three of the attackers used bladed weapons while still shouting ‘Allahu Akbar.’ This has led us to consider the possibility that AKBAR is an anagram for KA-BAR, a knife used in the US Marine Corpse [sic], suggesting the involvement of military veterans. Federal agents are staking out VFW halls across the country as we speak.”

In context of that theory, Clinton also pointed to possible gender implications. “Most Marines are male, so toxic masculinity cannot be ruled out. The Pentagon informs me they’re fully prepared to require all self-identifying males to wear high heels in uniform as part of a feminization effort. It might stop the horrific attacks.”

In relation to motive for the killings, Attorney General Steinem admitted that some of the perpetrators had arrived in the refugee influx brought over by the US government. “Perhaps they’re simply the victims of social injustice,” Steinem said, “crying out for attention from a society who has allowed them to fall through the cracks. Blaming the attackers in this case is no better than blaming the victims.”

In late 2017, three men – Muhammad Jibali al Hussein, Bilal Tikrit, and Brahim Farouk Mohammed – went on a murderous shooting rampage in Oklahoma City, killing 102 before killing themselves. But once again, the incidents offered no firm clue of motive, and no commonality other than the mysterious phrase “Allahu Akbar.”

Dr. Angela Shabazz Shakur, professor of Afro-Lesbian Studies at Stanford University, offered this theory: “These men are clearly the victims of neocolonialism, white privilege, and institutional racism, and are lashing out in the only way that society is willing to hear their desperate plea. Perhaps when parents of the little Eichmanns killed in the Cleveland daycare shooting are willing to check their privilege, we can have a real conversation about race and violence in this country.”

After 19-year old Mahmoud Massai opened fire in a Seattle-area GameStop and killed 5, researchers from the Harvard University School of Psychological Studies hypothesized that violent video games may be responsible. “The imagery of a white male violently oppressing brown-skinned Indigenous members of the Mushroom Kingdom could be triggering,” explained one researcher, pointing to an image on their computer screen of Super Mario leaping onto a Goomba.

Former Vice President Joe Biden presented his take on the situation when reporters located him sleeping in a Buick outside a rural Denny’s: “They’re upset that nobody understands those funny accents! You ever heard ‘em at 7-11? It’s like, where the hell are you from, Bollywood? They can’t all be goddamn Ghandi.” The interview was cut short after the former vice president ingested a large amount of MD 20/20 and subsequently fell unconscious.

While the authorities try to make sense of these inexplicable incidents, former President B. Hussein Obama offered insight to a reporter outside his retirement home in Indonesia as he returned from afternoon prayer: “What’s happened is regrettable, but it makes sense when you consider it in light of historical oppression and colonialism. I mean, you can’t expect people with access to guns to not correct the injustices of history. Who wouldn’t do the same thing?  Common sense gun control is needed. Praise Allah.”

President Clinton closed with these comments in her televised address: “While there is no firm consensus yet on what motivates these terrible crimes, we can all agree that the only sensible solution is for guns to be banned. That will strike at the root of the problem.”

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