Water Could be Bad For You… Study Suggests?


Written by AJ Burlingham, as originally appearing on Brain of Burlingham:

Last week it was found by a team of researchers at John Hopkins University that water, the cornerstone for life as we know it and number five choice of hydration around the world, (behind soda, tea, beer, and coffee) could now cause health issues.

The decision to research water came from an unthinkable revelation by Dr. Gregory Newfield, who led the team of researchers, two months ago while hearing someone joke how they hated water for its lack of flavor and being completely devoid of mind-altering effects. “I heard this guy and thought, ‘Well yeah, he’s totally right…but could there be another reason?’ ” Dr. Newfield stated. He also noted how he realized that the market for development and sale of a drug that would stave of the nasty effects of water would be enormous. “I was tired of seeing medications developed for trivial afflictions like psoriasis and high-blood pressure…so I took the idea to the bosses and they were ecstatic. They subsequently awarded me $10 million in research money and away we went.”

In describing the experiment from which he and his team derived their results, it was as simple as it was genius. “We started out by screening volunteers to undergo observation for an undetermined amount of time, whilst drinking water. To go about this the right way, we needed someone who: had a large surplus of free time, was young–to hold up under the long hours of observation–and most importantly, they had to not mind drinking water. On an American college campus, that was no easy task. *laughs*”

Dr. Newfield went on to describe in great detail the medical nuances and highly technical scientific applications that were involved in the ground-breaking study. “We sat the individual–unemployed male, 20, okay with water–in an 8’X8′ room with no windows. It was just him, a table, and a 36 pack of bottle of water. Upon beginning the experiment, we began to worry. One hour, three hours, seven hours, NINE hours had gone by with no discernable physical effects nor mental instability. It just been the research team and myself, staring through our one-way mirror…waiting, drinking some coffee, more waiting…we were getting ready to lock up for the night and see how the subject was in the morning; but then it happened. At the 11th hour exactly, as poetic as it could have been–a yawn. I hastily clicked on the intercom and asked slowly and simply, ‘How are you feeling, [name redacted]?’ It was so beautiful, I’ll never forget it, he said, ‘I’m pretty tired, man.’ The room erupted in celebration and the rest is history.”

It is historical, indeed. In the team’s findings they discovered that the perfect level of hydration that water provides results in healthily functioning saliva glands, which produce more than what a person is used to. As a result this causes one to swallow much more often in between drinks, causing fatigue. In the wake of what will almost assuredly be harolded as one of the most polarizing bodies of scientific work in the past decade, the future for water is cloudy.

However, from what the FDA has said about Dr. Newfield’s findings, the outlook for good ol’ H20 is “Worrying.” Still, with the glass of water already half empty, Dr. Newfield said that he plans to further his research, as he’s found that water is a superior vessel with which to transfer the Ebola virus, the deadliest virus ever known to mankind that has existed or will ever exist. As far as funding this undertaking goes, it doesn’t seem as if that will be an issue. Big-pharma heavy-hitters like Astra Zeneca, Pfizer, and the like have all thrown their hats into a hostile bidding war to get their foot in the door in developing the first batch of medications combating water’s ill effects. The massive water-business infrastructure would be most assuredly rocked by the drop in demand this study is forecasted to influence.

Soda giant Coca Cola, pusher of the Dasani bottled water brand is only one amongst a myriad of different companies cashing in on the sale of the harmful liquid molecular bond. When reaching out for a comment as to what the company plans to do, one Coca Cola representative stated,”Wh-What?” The climate has been changing for water over the past few decades. It may survive the already dreadful drought of public support, or the reservoir may dry up altogether.


Is the article serious? Or was it written in jest, with a satirical point in mind? You be the judge. I know the author personally, so I know the answer to that. At any rate, if you feel the need to take some anti-hydration medication, feel free to contact Mr. Burlingham yourself and ask to buy some.

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